The End of the World as we know..a new generation is raising upwards from the depths of the never never…

David Attenborough on the most wonderful but heart breaking staple on the BEEB’s Blue Planet 2  said, “8 million tonnes per year are dumped out to sea”….yes a bugger of a lot and I am seriously wondering where we are all going to end up…and how did we get so mother fucking lazy that we are chronically killing ourselves and our beautiful planet…what is going on and who gets to keep making that fossil fuel shite that is causing so much horror world-wide and not only that, in our food chain its everywhere…no wonder when I came back this time, I had already developed a self-awareness to the destructive marching of greed and grim determination to keep wrecking earth, my home and yet I have passed on DNA ancestral  blueprints of resonating energy that holds all records of life.My statement 2015

I came from an upbringing of shame, guilt, misogyny, cruelty and put downs. I was naturally being groomed to become a high res people please and seeker of approving. – perfect material for the unseens or archons.

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Oh No! Where will all this plastic go after just one night in the Brixton Academy!

I thought I was a great mother up to now and yet I feel completely powerless in knowing how the current system is  failing and the idea of supporting and waving flags for the hyper-matrix controllers, that require our free will agreeable to the system of ecological  collapse and synthetic solutions to a male domination of old paradigm masters that have created through sheer force and hidden occultism a disregard for the health and wellbeing for future generations and our individual self-ability to adapt and become authentic in our gainful passion to soul seek-age as they thrust on their Free Masons, Deep State, Illuminati, Global Agenda mother fuckers…….

 

Birthing a New Age

We are part of nature, part of that lore, part of that whole individual uprising, and to this do I offer my kin and baby girl a planet filled with nature, diversity, inspiration, community and a totally changed outlook to the current model we are all living under? What have I learned that can impart a strength that her being here is to come out and sweep away the old regime. It is a terrifying prospect and yet somehow, there is a new drum beating from a resonance that those who seek, find.Red Indian God

And so I think back to my own youth- was it any different? Were we just as hemmed in by commerce, and seeking stuff to consume to feed our fragile egos, insecurities. ..In our age there were no mobiles, plug-ins, Apps, gaming, well not really and it allowed for our telepathy and memory to serve us well as we used phone boxes, ran about the streets, lanes, countryside and parks, looking out for something, someone, some show how, and show up as we took on the new world of analogue, taping slowly, deliberately and the crackle and joy of vinyl being loaded up from Tower Records and others all now gone,  books, tele-programming Top of the Pops, The Tube, John Peel, Radio Luxembourg with Beatle Hour on the hour, we had it all or so we thought following the light fantastic, kid talks in the play ground what was on Top of the Pops, all down to your own unique tastes. Of course looking back one feel’s the shadows, and lights, photographs, colours, smells, glimpses of a honey hazed pastoral and parochial past. There also seemed to be wildlife, insects, bees, life! In fact there were a lot of natural parts to play in our growing up.IMG_0313

 

And for me a hearth, a fire..IMG_1699 I was rather a helpless, haphazard, chaotic and went anywhere if someone suggested something. I was ready to go out into the world to make up my life, as I struggle to find Metta’s next stage in her life pathways of a mix of apprenticeships, college, 6th Form, grappling with what do you want to do?? Bumping, crashing, crying, and worrying as to what is it that she must do in order to live a full life?    I had no clue that within a matter of months I would be kicked out of the farm, and pushed to find out who what and how do I live a life when my own parents asked me not once, what are you going to do? I knew I wanted to be an actress, and yet  I managed by flight and fight to figure out once I came to London I had assets, imagination, youth, enthusiasm! I began an arduous and also wonderful campaign of collecting things, people, boys, parties, adventures, experimenting, squatting, new blasting open society came at a young, slender, auburn haired farmers daughter and yet that I did possess skills that offered up invitations as I cleaned and cooked,  grew and learnt to feel my way towards  a sparkly innovative illumination carrying sensory preceptors that matched mine. That I could safely lend my own willingness to educate in the unknown growing exponentially. By bringing my open natural countryside ways, I imprinted a newness in my own making and in the mid 80’s London had the magic and fear to push forward to cultural underground happenings. I continuously had all the ingredients to keep making things up as I went along, the recipe book was in itself, new, tribal, active, seeking, exploring, different to anything any of us of our generation, could really say, Woah! We went against the government, Thatcher and her crony capitalist mates on the make for all things privy and privileged.

I was homeless a hundred times or more, like the men I slept with, a hundred times and more, and I kept it going because I was horny, hormonal and mad for the attention. I swirled around a con-vortex that never gave up. Unlike my daughter today who stands in a different mould, though I birthed her, with new knowledge that I have opened in this plutonian era. She emulates all those qualities and defects, upgraded if you will and totally strong from my own standing of that age. Metta-Angel  grounds allowing her lashes, questions, to alert my own lacks as she screamed: Mum, I dont know what the fuck I am doing and want to do in my life? School has let her down, her own ability to recognise that school is all about the results and not the teaching, the glorious old role to inspire and educate whilst real learning could happen..

It really started  for me in 1987 –  the year of the Harmonic Convergence1987 Harmonic .jpgAs I stood upon The Tor upon my 21st, I was given lessons to the importance of that unfoldment opening Ancient  portals to Ageless Wisdoms promoting the end of the world as we knew. Dualistic patriarchal paradigms have been waning through the crack that opened on the darkest century of man and his entrapment to the Dark Arts against the Great Feminine Devine or Our Great Mother of All We Are,   and to allow for full disclosure to expunge all the woundings of secret mastery occults coming to a shadowy surface upon a 25 year period known as the Nano years. This period leading to 2012, heralded Acid House, rave culture, the rise of the internet, data collecting and more dreadful skull duggery to come up and out. I digress. And I think the awakening of the man that seeks.

Acid house.jpegA time to grow up eventually, and find oneself out in the milieu of self. My generation in that period stopped drinking in lobbyist Public bars, and pubs, whilst we were in fields with fires, dancing together not at the stage but with each other in the wilderness of beats, drums, whistles, anywhere that would house music our chance meetings.  Warehouses, churches, anywhere that was liberated by the spirit of the times to break away from convention and  party like there’s no tomorrow, unsupervised, unlawful and energy shaping and forming to grow seeds of discontent to break down and open our aims as we met all different groups from class, backgrounds, in didn’t matter we were free motivated by dance, community and becoming our own Gods and Goddesses. We were all drawn together by those times that took a whole new crusade up to the calling arms as a whole new set of rules were here – our self determination for truth. We were powerful because we were mixing in different groups and dimensions depending our own unique trajectory.Gnostic Christianity

Whilst the main stream continued and continues to align to common drudgery & monotony of status quo’s, insidious and lower vibes as the paper keeps printing and we keep believing that money, oil, are still worth worshipping;  and the need to know that so long as I continue my unique navigator story that contains the seeds of ancient know-how that essentially  create vital winds of change without borders, continuing with  the  promotion of love and kindness to all living things, then we all have that self germinating potential. We all have a duty to stand up and make high vibes for the rightious and break out from the gremlins, and soul suckers harvesting our indigenous humanity. The Tree of Life

The time has come to let go of everything you think is true and hold dear to what you really innately already know, that the divine will of humanity and cosmic natural lore, resonates allowing  a parent with a young adult the encouragement of seeking their own course without judgement and blame-gaming. Otherwise one will go simply mad!

 

 

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I have plenty of talent and plenty to do and not to get caught up in Q posts,Q The deep grimy back stabbing state, duplicitous red and blue poli-ticks, and raise my consciousness to meet why I am here and who am I and not to be bothered in the blurry lines of mass media control, attached to mass pharma poisoning and mass intense food dumbing down programmes…rather to approach my life with my love for life, my keenness to express without who said what and when and to be truly authentic for my own safety and wellness…I do enjoy underground press, alternative media and other forms of inspirational narratives, but I do not stand by war mongers, deforesters, mass Pharma pushing, Mass Agri-intense destroyers of all creatures on this beautiful and rich biodiverse earth.IMG_1287

I do not stand by those who line their pockets by the blood and guts of children trafficking, exploitation of the masses through the media, and all things that ruin the land that we all come from. I am interested in harnessing my own wellbeing-ness by choosing what is right and what feels good, this being the sun, the wild and wonderful unpredictable weather, the way the elementals and seasons combine to grow up the food, the good unadulterated organic food, the seasonal and slow processing of growing and making, of knowing that the fruit in my jam this morning was picked by my own hand and made at home. To learn every day that it is a gift to be here. To appreciate what I have and NOT what I don’t. To keep working towards my greatest passions that are so embedded with my love for nature, that being little clods of grass in the verge at the edge of the road. That the flowers sprouting up in  a city wall, are miracles. That we humans are so befuddled and dragged down by all the so called exciting stuff out there to be conquered, over come, with the constant thinking I must get that in order to feel this. That that of which is outside of ourselves is all just an illusion.

I am here. I have made it. I have come from afar but close enough to recognise that this is paradise. I have felt the cold hand of homelessness, of hunger, of being not good enough by my parents and peers alike. I have felt ashamed at my growing up as my fathers words still are at the front of my thinking – you nearly lost me the farm. I am aware that my mother was a victim and it carried deep with in my own thinking a lot. I am yet also so happy that in a strange way I have had the stories that are deeply sparkling in my electrons and magnetic feels of embodiment and sharp synapses that snap and uncurl great enthusiastic balls of potential. That even though my father was extremely cruel on many levels I survived and I loved my father so so much. That every kind word was to be held deeply in my heart for ever. And when my mother was happy, smiling around her beloved horses, and dogs, like I today with my wonderful God Dog job, I think of her. How animals were her success and joy in her vibration. Both my parents gave me nature and all the sentients of this multi magical planet. The parts I play in getting to know who Am I today, are that I recognise that taking mind altering foods and drinks do not work, that my own self reflections are based in the fear and love of making my own amends with and without others.

I have to say that things are unfolding fast and that I was initially going to write about my observations in Trumpism, I’ve been so enthralled with his narrative & as is to ask is Trump a troll for the New World Order and all the Deep state horrors or is he motivated to actually draining that stinky duplistic swamp? 

And so I travelled down another rabbit hole that left me feeling very discombobulated, appalled and reeling that the deep state is foul, anti Mother Earth, and all sentient vibrations whilst low sucking lower archaic and archonic blood chi energy rely on other things trying to control through unconsciousness as their false gods attach insanely to great harvesting of humanity. Erghhhh get me away from that fourth dimension!

That we know deep down, in our bellies that the world is not what we think or seem to think. Many of my own feelings have been split in two. 

Trumps Deep State

The Swamp of cloak and daggers, skull duggery, msm dualistic blab blab blab

 

Are you here with us? or are you a terrorist? That seems to be the level of playing on a field full of deception.

I now see for myself that in my lacks I made up stories and some are true and some are just stories. I have much more to do than to worry and obsess about who does what and why, and remind my self that I love love love things and people and this planet called Earth. I am not interested in those vibrations that keep my stomach swollen and odd. I have had a strange stomach for the past year or two, my gut laden with some sort of entity or creature. So I have stepped up with the flora and fauna bacteria to mulch my deep seated gut into action with the help of Gregory Sams master of organic fermented drinks. I am blessed to be making my own apple kefir that explodes if not careful when opening. Greg gave me some great mothers!

I am happy that I am now on a new spring like trajectory that means I am not going to be distracted by the under currants of skull duggery, back stabbing, lying, thieving, and so on.

I am glad that I have the people around me who care about what they eat, how they stand up for their own unique beliefs and that we are all connected by the great source of life that gives us water, air, wood, metal and earth. I am glad that at this time in life I am blessed with the fortune of growing up on a farm, to a mad farmer who did things his own unique eccentric way. IMG_0310

When I saw the psychic last year, she was clear that John Manners was desperate to tell me how much he loved me and how he was sorry for his reckless and selfish own victimisation of his fear to stand by his daughter. I know he touched me up as a baby and a toddler. I know this to be true however I am working on now being the best version of myself and moving myself away from those that try to harm and take me to another place that is dark. I know that darkness exists, for without the dark, there could be no light. I know right from wrong and that as my diary page unfolds my beautiful hands give way to my heart, to my mind, to my body and allow the tumbling of words to flow at ease and in readiness to make the best of what I am.

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My Dad in our kitchen on The Common Farm..2008

The Secret lIfe of Plants

This book has changed everything…

I am therefore creating a story called Children of The Soil, that runs with my life long passion of interrelating to the wonder of micro and macro organisms any the sentient calling of all life on earth, in the universe, in the heavens and in the deep deep dark underbelly the womb and the life giving that she our Great Elder, Our wonderful Grandmother Mother Earth, who gives all her children the opportunity to wake up and walk lightly as our great ancestors did before us and now they are here in my heart, in my thinking, in my righteousness to talk closely in my dreams, in my soul, in my deep deep connection to earth that all is well and that her concerns are that we as individuals not get caught up in dark dark lower vibrations that are yes here, but our mother is telling us to go outside and look and feel and touch and be apart of nature, not the dark web, the dark dark days when women were killed for being healers who had the art and crafts of the fields, the woods, the herbs that scattered across the great swathes of the countrysides, in the cities, in the villages and towns..that each parochial interdependent part was bound together to help and heal, not though of what our past did to eachother in the grim thundering of science and industrialisation that brutalised our breathens and sisters. That the enemy is within and that the mind can be trained with an uplift in the glory of ascension of self realisation of self care, of self awareness. That we must turn towards our own sovereignty again and again and not get caught in the hum drum low vibe of men with swords and without due connection to earth.

This is how we have come, from the clay, the soil, the great life giving mulching, mixing alchemy that gives us our daily bread, our delicious fruit and gracious flowers….The need for me is to stop dragging myself into a place that harms, is toxic, is gray and bound with bondage…I have been in bondage all of my life. I have struggled to make sense of any thing and everything. I am a child. I am also a woman and a survivor of external and internal battling. I have grown up to feel dirty and at times pure. I am both of the parts of all things that we humans are.

In all things on this planet, we are creators and for this, I am no longer aligned to the malpractices of those who wish harm on Mother Earth and Father Sun…I am interested in the making and growing up of myself to become that of which I chose to come – A Rainbow Warrior of this Great Earth…Ta x
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Eat Organic, feel-dynamic no matter what you are told it costs…

I am on the floor crying my eyes out feeling so close to all that was and all that has gone…reading Dark Mountain blogs(Dark Mountain get involved )which is all about the stories and myths of now and beyond…so many animals and insects are being lost to the world wide use of pesticides and GMO’s, and insecticides, all ecocides, all destroying human bacteria and natural diversity that keep us pollinating and luscious in life….we are literally drowning in chemicals and I cant stop crying….

I stopped my beloved smoking on December 14th 2017. ON the biggest adventure of my life to Costa Rica to absorb not the grey plumes of years of medication on drawing up into my lungs the grief of my childhood, of loss, of trauma, of pain and separation as I was taught daily by Aunty Binks and her weirdness that somehow we, Johns children were different, were not secure in The Common Farm, and that her children were very much included in all the joys of a protective mother to her own brood. NO Costa Rica was a demonstration to myself, to my daughter that there is more to life than being stoned, being drunk, be self righteous, being in a group of other addicts, of being in therapy, of belonging to something no matter what, and that I am very much my own island. I am not wishing to just go and feel ok about this and that, and be ok for the little attempts I make at writing my little ideas out.
I am deeper and much more than all of that even reading Nelson Mandela’s in augural speech: ‘Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate, our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, Who Am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented and fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God – Your playing small doesn’t serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people will not feel insecure around you. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It is not in just some of us; it is in everyone. And we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.’ 
I read a good and simple read on holiday by Brene Brown, Braving the Wilderness – The quest for true belonging and the courage to stand alone. It wasn’t the usual self help book that gives hints and tips for containment and structure by doing certain daily mantra’s and prayers and things with other like minded groups and such like. She herself after years of learning how to recognise the behaviours that we are all seeking the telling of another to do something, external peer factors, institutions, governments, parents, friends and heroes and heroines, but rather that the way to work out things for oneself are not by following the crowd to belong, but to listen inside deeply to why you were called to listen in the first place. It took me out of the crowd and put me back into the wilding of myself. The calling of nature, of all the things I love and wish for. 
And again I will reiterate, it is not as though I know best, have tried al manner of self help therapies, groups, organisations etc..of which I have and there is no shame in seeking out what lies deep within, that needs attention, and intention, no, its just that, I have seen a lot of things about how I am and right now, I am ready to do the biggest work.
And it is terrifying.
The Mia of before 2018 wanted very much to keep getting her lungs filled with smoke, to keep the separation of the pain and anguish of years of growing up on the farm, in the fields, around the hedges, in the water meadows, on the animals, riding around, and being a girl outside in freedom with insects, and butterflies and bees and birds wide, far, up close and personal, as an insect would more than ofter land on your tongue or down your throat as you galloped kicking on. There were heaps of insects in my early childhood, and then suddenly I remember quite clearly, Dad saying in middle common, where are the butterflies, the Admiral was usually always around, resilient, and lots of, Swallow tails, skippers, the brown moth, so many others, all suddenly gone. A barren desert and Dad realised that those blasted organo-phosphates Organic had killed the hatcheries and the soil was drenched in these carcinogenic cancerous chemicals killing everything, so he stopped using them, and my own brother Lester took on the organic farm status and the SSSI site walking where by millions of old grasses, vetches, flora and fauna lived and still do, harmoniously in sync over millennia and the forages, animals, voles, moles, rabbit, hare, badger, all part of the glorious majestic ecological bounties of  time space that is this earth we called Mother.
WE are her children, her cells, her multitude of life and life sharers, story tellers, myth wonderers, and all part of the a legacy that today is shamefully at the battling pitch of astro turf and synthetic food and pharma that are wrecking human, animal, plant and insect life on earth. The elementals have asked me to wake up, stop using, stop abusing, stop worrying, and get cracking on what I am here for.
I like anyone, like to relax, to joke, to eat well, to hang with dear ones, and to explore the beautiful countrysides of the world, but when I am procrastinating and lying around filled with  the ubiquitous and repetitive matrix of ills and dull-dumbs, humdrums,  as the world wide web weaves images, sounds, lectures, lessons of work work work for the system of Orwellian be-moths and slave entrapment,  down playing the wonders of the world as we scratch our existence out of mediocrity, somehow those world leaders, those prime-ministers, the presidents, those monarchs, and masters of greed, and slavery, are all still here.  And Yet, this past three years for me has been very different, and at times I too have just played myself down from my own wonder and willingness to be someone not just another something that works in a job that I don’t like and be in a relationship with someone that I put up with. There is much much more about the way I grew up amongst flowers, and fauna, and fields of consciousness swathed in the pre-first world war Edwardian glory before the mass industrialisation of manmade weapons used against Mother Nature and ourselves. Why did those wars come about and what did they herald other than the normalisation of more wars, terror stories, and made up jargons to keep us perpetually lost and confused. It would seem that man itself had morphed into caricatures and grotesques statues of worshipping the mighty guns, the madness of weapons not just on each other, but on the very nature we have grownup on and told to be true.
Yet somehow something, somewhere in all of the very Confucius underlying, underpinning and tactical jeering on of the normalisation of synthetics versus organics, and blues versus reds, and them and us cat calling.
Are you with us, or with them? The Clintons blared, and The Bushes when the towers came tumbling down. We have all be learnt to choose a side. To be accountable for who to vote, who to pray for, who to shop with, who to look up to…and here’s the thing, not the golden bullet, not the general marching of one or the other like I myself was under. I sought to choose, because that was the trajectory of my history lessons, the winners versus the enemies, the Kings and Queens of Houses, and parliament and all its war criers, and do gooders, all telling us that if you vote blue you get this, and if you vote red, you’ll get that. I was simply going mad. I had simply got lost so I dived underground in a different sort of foraging and found myself reading books about the world without governments, and a world that is a wonder and not something black or white. I broke down again and again, and then realigned to my own inner voice, which is full of pledges to why I came back, and what my messages are.
To promote all things local, organic and seasonal – but how – I realised in Costa Rica, that as much as tica’s and ticu’s Costa Ricans likes to think it is an ecological paradise, of which to a degree it does resonate that way because there are many national heritage sites that are protected from the ball and chain of slavery in mass deforestation across the world, yet the food in that country for a simple vegetarian is not all that it seems.
My choice was rice and beans, and yet the rice was refined, so without its wholeness and nutrient qualities for a good vibration of life force, and the beans refried and not fresh as I’d have liked.
In a nut, apart from eating tonnes of wheat in all its forms and varieties of which here in the UK there is no difference really, the best food for a vegetarian in Costa Rica is the fruit, the wonderful fruit and yet I am doubtful that all is as it seems. Costa Rican’s are getting rather tubby around the waste line. The men have hips and the women are quite tubby. I was shocked but then it is so across the central and south american continents as wheat and meat, cattle mainly and pigs, are culled massively, intensely on the once rich fertile soils of the Amazon, and plateau’s of diversity and richness, now ploughed up and general food mills with general foodstuffs is out of the packet, the can, the freezer, the processed, and the dull taste of the sameness coated in sugars, artificially high, and mass intensively sold in little shops everywhere in coloured plastic packaging. Its not what I thought I would come across. But then I look up north and see how America has turned its land over to Monsanto, Dupont, Syngenta, BASF, General Mills, Krafts, Unilever, and on it goes and we the human populations, keep sucking on the bone of consumerism.
I am aggrieved and concerned.
My daughter and I were there for for just over three weeks and we came back with larger waistlines and the weirdest thing for me, was I was never a great Pizza eater, but as the choice for veggies is down to pasta, pizza, nachos, bread and or meat meat meat, and dining out in Costa Rica is expensive if you are hotelling, and holidaying in that manner, you start to look at cheaper foods and gravitate consciously towards them. But here’s the thing. I think that the wheat in my pizza’s were not only NOT organic obviously, but had hidden drugs in them, as they were morish and I started to salivate towards supper time on the promise of those drugs inside, synthetic, genetic and modified to keep us hooked on the tyranny of mass production and mass intense farming. It had my head swivelling in all manners and I realised that the worse thing ever could happen in Europe as it is in the America’s is that we become wholly dependent on synthetic and mass modified versions of ourselves by GMO’S and ICI’s and all those mass corps of death.
That we could soon really lose our motivation in know- how in eating well, feeling alive, vital and in tune with our senses and perceptions as we turn over our interdependency of all things bright and beautiful, all creatures great and small towards the mass extinction of this  anthropocene to  destructive broken down bodies that are addicted to the patchy greys, and hues of synthetic mass produced scientific money making destroyers of our friendly gut and flora bacteria needed in our own biochemical worldly organisms. That the world we inhabit is losing its abundant teeming fisheries and watery pastures as the desertification of mass money making schemers keep us fed with low thudding dull eating cocktails of listless and sickness foodstuffs, keeping us down and out of our second hearts, and brains that is the body.
WE are all going through the heavy weight return of Capricorn in Saturn, its ruler after years in exile reaching Sagittarius in its last house which is the new teachings of man and beast coming together, the myths, the stories, the whole mysteries of universal and ancient herstories and histories.
We all got a chance to remember who we are. And I for one, have come back to point in a one direction of our relationship to the soil and to the food we eat and the wonder of biodiversity.
I am a farmers daughter, who did smoke many a quarter, and yet I have one mission and that is to remember we are made of clay and we return to clay in the soils, the humus and the activity of death, rebirth and death. And that should we continue to keep ploughing up the lands to turn over to chemical synthetic burning acidification stretches across the belly of our great Mother, we in-turn will die under our own forgetfulness that we are so much part of this world in all its beauty and sentience and glory and past and future and now present awakenings. We know the shift is here. We know many new borns are here and many old ones have returned  to face the cloying and destructive greedy war mongers. There is another way and it is the trinity. It is the upwelling from the source of soil, and mulch and insects, and worms, and millepedes and fungi, and mycelium and photosynthesis and roots and wood and bark and leaves and plants, it is all that we are.
I am redesigning my life and it hurts not to dull and medicate and trance myself out. I am asking my higher powers to allow for myself to die so I may be reborn, nourished and able to transmit the electrolytes and multitude of universal and earthly sub-atomical quantum molecules into the fires of ageless wisdoms and do the job I was meant to do and be.
To Stand up for Mother Earth.
To party with purposes.
To eat organic and will gratitude.
To share my own knowledge as a child of the universe…or something along those lines….
pointing to the right way of thinking, in order to have the right frequencies pushed out and beyond right back down to earth.
Arundhat Roy the corporate revolution will collpase if we refuse to buy what they are selling..their ideas, their version of history, their wars, their weapons, their notion of inevitablitiy....jpg

Aunty Binks

Aunty Binks

This is Audrey or as we were introduced to her on the red carpet in the middle sitting room back in 1971 or 72 as Aunty Binks. My brother Jonathan who was just 6, said: “But you are not our Aunty, you are the housekeeper”. Aunty Binks looked at him and said: “If you don’t call me Aunty Binks, I won’t talk to you”. And she gave him a fixed, cold stare. Lester and I both smiled as two very little children. 4 and 5 years old and very deeply already wounded by the events that had unfolded in our first early 0 – 5 years old. We all were already marked by the entrance of she. She became quite a central figure full of her own design to set up her own two children in our family home. We were under the radar and very quickly we were out.
Dismayed at how life has rushed past my shadows and my day to day.
Who do I think I am? On a good day, willing, open-minded , sure footed and full of vigorous sentimentality; yet am I here to wash away my sins or crack open anew that binds me upwards to Gods country?
I am currently reading a big book on The Russian Revolution that I picked up in Glastonbury Town over Christmas, ‘Caught in the Revolution’ by Helen Rappaport that sends me shivering into humanity that crushes, and loses all sense of being aligned with God. A bigness of tragedy that tells you how bad the aristocracy and big wigs failed to even bring bread to the workers in St Petersburg in the crippling cracked winter of 1917. The men at the eastern front fighting an enemy of brothers whom had been set upon by the covert secrecy of a closed, treacherous and twisted order, whose aims were to carve up countries, and gain resources no matter what- who-how

I call these men The Globalists. And should  more information be asked, should anyone care to read about why wars happen, Terry Boardman is a very important historian and on line lecturer who joins up the dots to show the men whose long term agendas were single pointed towards mass terror to take power at all costs in the name of globalisation. I digress. 

Yet my first blog unfolds and spills outwards as I feel full of tears. 

Then as I read late into the night, I dream of being chased down, found out, caught glaring into the fear based upbringings subconsciously that resonates moment to moment waking me up. 

I awake to the alarm, and gather up my my teenager who is tired of school already and it’s only two days in. 

I get up, make tea and suggest earlier nights and then ask, How is school? 

Out she purges, bad teachers, trying to find groups, it’s hard out there. Then I remember my own. I was alone. Scruffy, unkempt, trying so hard to be liked, and to be accepted by my peers. 

My own teenage hood was short lived on the farm. For no sooner than I d finished my last exam, then I was out, literally being crushed into a life that was of another’s choosing. Namely Aunty Binks. 

She, the lover of my father, and the main character that kept me fed, yet not a one to one who ever became a mother figure, of is she had, my ideas of what a good mother should be, were discordant and extreme to the point of cold, stern and cruelty spelt my underpinnings. I grew up innately targeted as almost a bastard and nothing more than a mistake. 

This impacted my every particle of intracellular living that led me very quickly into a world of sex, drugs and rock n roll. Gosh, I feel sorry for my big middle aged self. Having said that, I enjoyed much of my escapism through finding the elixir that unleashed a giant crude girl/woman mimicking her disgusting father who was a central figure in my years to come. I loved that man. Worship comes to mind. Yet he was an appalling role model who gave hardly any loyalty to his blood and flesh. It meant I grew up in his shadows as forbearance towards my own miscommunication and self love that fast became self loathing. 

I had more character defects built in-& designed to sabotage my life. However I somehow must have been good in another life time, because my inner radar for good, truth, creativity, all abound my make up and enabled me some fortuitous chance meetings with the world at large. 

This is my first unfoldment and here I aim to offer hope, hints and tips that remind me why I enjoy living here right now even under the thumb of fear and fearlessness. 

I have nothing to lose in sharing my story. And I look forward gently to meeting you by meeting me through heart felt, soul searching and honest investigation. 

Thank you

The longest shadows stretching out and inwards to the imagination Somerset 2017

The longest shadows stretching out and inwards to the imagination Somerset 2017