Who Am I..

This is something that moves me every single time I feel disconnected with Mother Earth and the wasteland inside of my whole identity fires up into a helpless and sorrowful state as my own programming has always led me to believe in things outside of myself are where it is all at and that when we come back on to earth, we forget why we come back in order for each and everyone single one of us to rediscover our innate purpose and how that defines the imagination and thorough-fayre of our very own authentic trial and errors of behaviour and being apart of the crowds whilst also worshipping the authorities that create a bedrock of uncertainty throughout life in all its emotional , physical, mental and spiritual road blocks. In effect, I know how insanely intense it can get in January let alone July.

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Hmm, I sit here and I wonder as to how did I get here?
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And How did I come to be here>

Am I In The Right Place

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There is always a nagging voice whether it’s on the main stream media services, or on the front line of commercial interest as the weaving tides of industrial figures wrap their selves around your whole thinking and feeling. Such as the same rhetoric time bound, restricted by an effort for more and more, and then of course not only that, we have our own insider inner critic or tyrant that beats us with external posturing saying loudly: Are you doing enough for the system?  Do you contribute? Are you playing the game? What you’re not? Then begone with you, you are not worthy, you are nothing, a hanger-on, a parasite on society, a this and a that and on it goes!

Be quiet! I am having a nervous breakdown. I need to stop this madness, this outside influence that has been so much a part of me, that it has kept me A Part from me. I began to look around the room I was in and I was in prison, a prison I had made by myself, for myself, and with pure unadulterated permission of my own free will because I had always felt that it was the outside looking in that was to be my saviour, when all along, had someone of a greater understanding, in a young developing age, supported my innate journey to realise and realign with what MATTERS and not what we think matters.

Growing up the way we do, creates a very big frame like existence that is codependent and interdependent. However the key for any honest seeking individual is to make their mess and then to experience the breaking up of a system inherited by history of man, history of society, history of religion, history of work and ordinary behaviour that is deemed the normal, the safe and well trod journey and don’t step out of line or there will be consequences.

This is very intriguing for me. This is how I learned though a very hard way at times, I also managed to find out about all parts of myself, and still to this very day and event of writing this from my heart, I have felt torn, tortured, broken, split, mad, depressed, lonely,  frustrated, unworthy and on the other side, ecstatic, enthusiastic, energetic, happy beyond all wildlife dreams, full of creativity and abundance, and most of all, authentic, authentic in my fears and authentic in my adventures to follow my heart no matter what.

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There was and always will be a very interesting, unfolding particle intracellular and extracellular energy that transmits, transmutes, transforms, and transcends even when I feel utterly out of place and unsure of my footing. I have learnt to develop something that is of a bettering of myself as I learn each waking day and moment surrendering to the unknown qualities and the well known qualities of Who Am I?

I take measures and intrigues to tap like an ordinance survey map around my cognitive mind apparatus and give continuous thanks no matter what to the unseens quantum molecular magnificence of a virtual potential multidimensional world inside and out. It sounds bonkers, yet for me, my like was always ‘Bonkers’ and always led by some goddess like prism of pictures that would appear and guide me though my darkest nights and my longest days. This has been my inner radar system that has always given me a particular feeling particularly when I have faced adversity and trauma triggered by outside forces.

There was a time for example, when I felt that I could save the planet, and when Facebook began, I thought, this is great, so I began to rant, and rage at the system. I went down the rabbit hole a lot and came up with a smug feeling somedays that I had cracked some new formula and other days, totally drowned in self sorry because I had managed to either not appeal to anyone, or say the wrong thing. I then began to realise that as ever, I was up to the same sort of thinking that led me into the same sort of feelings, even if I felt I was doing it differently.

 

In a nut, I realised that I was a high resonate people pleaser and seeker of approval – a subject that means an awful lot to me as I always seemed approval from those outside of myself that were not necessarily the kindest for me. And when I began that self development journeying I realised that I was mirroring my inner child hood issues that had been ignored, and brutalised by those adults and peer groups bringing me up and influencing my personality. It took a severe break down, and break up with the idea of how I could help others, before I even helped myself. I was in a nut, somehow not really who I thought I was and that was quite a wake up call.

I began earnestly to go back back back back to the beginning of my birth and unfold without the use of substances, hallucinogens and prescriptions to fully crack open my self to the wounded inner child. And there I was! Innocent and so willing to be loved wholesomely and honestly and learn the first 0-5 years of survival. This though is where the early years of a delicate balance of a small child feeling completely safe, nurtured, fed and watered and most importantly, Loved. However we all have our stories and mine was mine. At the age of 2 and a half, I was put in a home with my brother Lester, because of what unfolded by parents.

Jonathan, Mummy, Mia, Daddy & Lester with Heidi inside mummy 1970/71
Jonathan, Mummy, Mia, Daddy & Lester with Heidi inside mummy 1970/71
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I would stare at this image in that Children’s Home in Winchester waiting for children’s television to come on as though in a meditative state…it never left my very early years.

We stayed in that home till I was four, and came out under an edgy time, with my mother and father trying to work their marriage out. However of course, for me, a major gap in those early forming years, is all but left there. A sort of waiting and watching, waiting and willing for normality and ones own parents to come back, but you see they never did. What I had to do, in my growing up, up and up, into the light, was to root down, deeply in to the earth, a sort of opposite to a ‘normal’ upbringing. I found solace in the earth, in nature, in the farm life and animals around me. I had a very good feeling of nature, the natural seasonal landscapes, the birds singing and the murmurings of starlings aplenty in the 1970’s. I also had a very strong connection to an other worldly realm of faeries, ghosts, angels, sprites, and all the magical mystical esotericals, that once lived side by side with humans.

It allowed me to be in my imagination and unfurl secret stories and languages that children have. I imagined the un-imaginative  and spread my wings as I flew amongst the clouds, universe and placed my antenna into unchartered waters of my own making.

My inner child always felt safe with anything tangible and imagined...
My inner child always felt safe with anything tangible and imagined…

In order to take a breath from that journey, I only really can say this, Don’t be fooled by thinking you know how things are, and by alluding your own free will by agreeing to things that may not have your best interest at heart. I learnt the hard way.

And now I am in my middle ages, I am able to self realise, that life is amazing, even when you are following others, and how they teach you things. This is the miracle of life. The self regularity inner guidance that one can tap into in a moment of gratitude and kindness, with the fascinations and intrigue of the physical world we inhabit and how she, our Great Mother, allows us to be who we are,no matter how far we may stray from our real selves. This is important, because this teaches us to become fully awake should we choose to open up to the moment to moment alchemy that is all about the world and to accept that in order to step into our authenticity, humility and self work are paramount to the practicing of living in earth today.

I practice self-love, gratitude, awe and wonder as I everyday try to learn something new, and or practice something that is passionate to my nature like the pianobeautiful-mother-earth

 

To know that if someone is less able to do their best, then it is not for me to point at them and critique them, but to acknowledge that each one of us, is original and has the potential to be a teacher shining their own shadow and light upon one.

We are all children and we are all here to seek and feel the benefits of living in such a beautiful and yet at times, a dark and scary land.

Simply, We  have forgotten to stop and breathe and look around quietly and tread gently, seeking solace in a humanitarian and an equanimous unfolding that is a way out of the Wasteland, and into a place that is shaped and formed by your own self making. This is how the world works. This is the time we live in. We are so blessed to be here, no matter how hard it may feel, and sad events seem to be.

I have realised that when I allow myself to be followed by things that are outside of myself, like who runs big business, who has the finger on the button, who keeps reinforcing the main stream line of repetitive speaking, who who who, I just now send more awareness  around those feelings, as I transfigured the way the system once held so much power in my daily activations and desperate attempts to fit and remain an other old version of myself, Mia, getting fixated and triggered by the feelings of wrongness upon the natural kingdoms, and the systems we ALL give our free will over to by paying for this product and that service; I now  breathe, pause, and choose wisely, eat clean foodstuffs which are not covered in chemicals.

Before the Second World War, most food produced was crop rotated and organic...
Before the Second World War, most food produced was crop rotated and organic…

I tend to prescribe myself with an intuitive self teaching of herbs and holism. I try to remember to be less agitated that I used to be, less worried than I used to be, and upload new possibilities into my daily practice of rewiring, or relearning, of eating more raw, whilst self-realising, that we are all part of the great wheel whirling in a spiral of space time life, and that today is about keeping still, and practising Who Am I, as I realign with my own true practice of sovereignty and self love.

It isn’t always easy, but it does feel authentic.

Thank you.